Storm Black and the Seven Tarts (Part 1)

A very long time ago, in a distant land, there lived a king...

And a beautiful queen.

The king really loved his queen, but never more than he loved himself. For, as beautiful as he thought his queen was - in his own mind, there was never a more lovely creature to ever grace this world than he. Finally, after a few years had past, he had a thought - if he was so lovely, and his wife was so lovely - it would surely be a shame if the two of them didn't bring another lovely being into the world. And so it was - soon his wife was pregnant with their first child.

It was a difficult pregnancy for the queen, and she spent most of her days inside the castle, gazing at her lovely husband through the windows.

 On this day, the queen found herself thinking:

"My what a fantastic hunk of man meat. If the girls of our kingdom are lucky, we will have a son that is at least half as hunky as his father."

But, not all stories have happy endings, although this one is nowhere near the end...I guess it's more of a...unhappy beginning, of sorts.


Although, he was a great (and handsome!) king, he was somewhat of a wuss. 

 For some unknown reason, he decided to make his way into the room where his dear wife was giving birth to their child. 


...bad idea.


That which has been seen, cannot be unseen.


Every hero has a fatal flaw, and it just so happens that our hero's wussiness got the best of him.

He died during childbirth.

Expired.

Kicked the bucket.


Called home.


Cashed in his chips.

Gave up the ghost.

You know...dead as a freakin' doornail. (However dead those are - must be pretty dead, cause this one is out COLD, lemme tell ya.)

The queen was pretty upset, as you might have guessed, but life must still go on - she did have a little boy to take care of, after all. She bestowed the name of "Storm Black" upon her little fella, and doted on him as a mother should. Many of the townsmen tried to win her heart, but there was only one man that her heart belonged to...Storm.

It wasn't long, however, before a handsome stranger made his way past the castle. 

Don't let his angelic looks fool you, he's rotten to the CORE!

He had heard about the queen from his homeland that was far away. He decided that he should try for her hand. Considering he was a master of black magic, it wasn't long before he was inside the castle...

...and in the queen's arms.

Black magic is some REAL powerful stuff, y'all. 


He pretty much had the queen wrapped around his little rotten finger and could get her to do just about anything he wanted. What he REALLY wanted was to get rid of that blasted Storm that she was always doting on. He was able to convince the queen that it would be in the best interests of the boy, if he were to attend a private boarding school back in his old kingdom - his alma mater, or some shiz like that. 


They lived a number of happy years while Storm was away at school. He never got to come home for holidays, of course - that's just what happens when you have a stinking turd for a stepfather.


Of course, the evil stepfather couldn't keep him away forever - at a certain point (usually adulthood) the school gets tired of feeding you and pushes you out on your own. So, on Storm's 18th birthday, he bid farewell to the school that had raised him and headed back to his castle to claim everything that was rightfully his.


As luck would have it...the evil stepfather had gotten wind of Storm's return and decided to take care of some business before the boy made it back home.

Storm came in just in time to see his mother...


Bite the dust.


Buy the farm.


Get a one way ticket.


Dance the last dance.


...you get the picture. ;-)

Of course, this was not what he expected at all. I mean, after being gone for 10 years, this was a fine how d'ya do.

He really had no choice but to stay where he was. It was rightfully his kingdom, and his home, after all. He never knew his father, but he's sure that he would have wanted him to take over the throne.


Besides, he was sure that he could build some sort of relationship with his stepfather - after all, he seemed to be an ok guy, right?


...right?


...yeah, right.


The evil stepfather was so perturbed by the appearance of the nuisance, that he stormed to his "secret hideaway."

You see, even though I mentioned that the great king was a tad "sure of himself," the evil stepfather had him beat by a long shot. With his magic, he had conjured up his very own ego-stroker.

 "Mirra, Mirra...in the well..."

"Who's the hunkiest? Please! Do tell!"

"Hi, gorgeous! Care to tell me how irresistible I am today?"

"Oh, jeez. This is what you brought me here for? I was just about done watching the paint on my walls dry. It was the best time I've had in weeks."

"Stuff it, moth. Out with what I want to hear."

"Ok. So. Here's the story. As it turns out, you ARE actually pretty studly, even if you are rather stupid and boring."

"However! My hunk-o-meter is telling me that there is someone even studlier than you in our midst. Hold on...I'm getting a name. Oh! Storm Black."

"And, boy, is he yummy. Do you know him? Maybe you could set us up...I am single you know."

"Can it, gnat! Before I snap your wings off and feed them to you!"

  
"Whose side are you on, anyway? I put you in this world, and I can take you back out!"

"Ahem. Well. You wanted me to speak the truth, and I did. You are very hunkalicious, it just so happens that there is someone even tastier out there. I'm just doing my job, oh gorgeous one."

"I'm sure I can think of a plan. Hmmm...got it!"

"You're just gonna have to trust me." 

________***________*** ________***________

"Blasted pixies!"

Storm had been having a nice late-evening nap on the castle's lawn, when he was rudely awakened by the sound of mischievous giggling.

Suddenly, he felt his hat pulled off of his head, and he jumped up from the ground. He knew exactly what it was - he had dealt with their antics since he was a child.

Pixies.

He was not, however, going to let this one get away with his favorite hat. He took off after her, although obviously she had an advantage. 

It was starting to get dark, and the pixie had led him into his most dreaded area - Pixie Forest - where all of the creatures liked to gather around and have a good laugh at their annoying stunts. Luckily for him, though, pixies are not good at hiding.

He decided that he was going to have some fun with this one.

That's what the dag-blasted thing got for stealing his prized hat.

This particular pixie, though, had a surprise for him.

She couldn't help it - he was just so darned cute.

It was wrong of her to be so mesmerized by him. You see, she wasn't just any normal pixie - she was a cousin to Mirra - the pixie that belonged to Storm's evil stepfather. She wasn't just playing tricks - she was on a mission.

...a mission to get rid of Storm, once and for all.

But, she just couldn't do it. Everytime she looked into those brown eyes, she felt a pang deep inside of her.

She had to save him.

She let Storm know exactly what was going on - his stepfather wanted to be rid of him and rule the kingdom. She was willing to let him go, but on ONE condition...

He must NEVER go back home. 

If he were to go back, it would be certain death for both of them.

Storm, of course, took this as well as one might expect him to.

What was he going to do now? He was lost in the Pixie Forest - and there was nowhere to go. He couldn't spend the night here, he would surely NEVER make it through with his virtue still intact. Pixies are notoriously naughty creatures. This would not end well.

This however was none of her business, and she felt she had done her part to save the handsome prince. So, with a giggle and a cloud of sparkles, she was on her way back to convince Mirra that the deed was done.

After it was already too late...Storm finally remembered that the stupid pixie still had his hat. With many...MANY mumbles and grumbles, he finally found a soft spot to nap on. He wanted to make sure the he slept with one eye open, though. He didn't want any of these creatures pawing all over him while he was resting.

"Pixies. Bleh."

The events of the evening, however, proved to be too much for him to handle, and within moments...he was fast asleep. The wonkiness of it all was starting to get to him - even through his dreams.

"Why am I dreaming of pixies? I don't even like the creatures!" he thought.

But, he couldn't push them out of his mind.

"Oh, look! A MAN!" exclaimed the pink one.

"And he's HOT!!!" squealed the green one.

"He must have been lying here...waiting on us! I mean, why else would he be asleep in our forest? Don't human men know not to come around here unless they want to be..."

"Oh, of course! He's obviously here for a reason! ME FIRST!"

Storm definitely couldn't have called it a nightmare. He slept soundly through the night, with a smile on his face.

The morning sun found Storm in a slightly different state than he remembered being in when he fell asleep.

"Oh. No. The pixies...how did they get my clothes? Why am I laying around in the forest in my skivvies??"

"Wait. Wait a minute. I remember something about those pixies. There was a green one...and a pink one...and...."

"OH, NO! THEY GOT ME! IT WAS NEVER A DREAM!!"

 Storm figured that it was about time for him to take his manties and get the heck out of there. They already had his hat, and his clothes. He shuddered to think about what was next.

"Of course, maybe it wasn't SO bad..."

He pushed that thought from his mind, as he ran towards the edge of the forest. He had no idea where he was going...but he had to go SOMEWHERE.

As luck would have it, "somewhere" appeared pretty quick.

It was very little more than a shack, of course.

Storm didn't care too much for having to "rough it," like this...but at least it was somewhere that he could hide until he found something to cover himself with.

He didn't think too much about who might have lived there, it really didn't matter. He was basically the king of the land, so he could do whatever he wanted, right? (Pfft. Men.)

Upon entering, he realized that the house had a somewhat...feminine...aura about it. He pretty much shrugged it off, though, and made his way to the fridge.

There wasn't much there in the way of food, but there was tons of ice cream! Storm didn't really have any room to be picky...his stomach was already about to start gnawing on his backbone, as it was...and he knew he wouldn't be able to find food anywhere else.


After finishing off the carton of ice cream, he decided to have a look around.

He checked out the stereo.

And the TV - imagine that!


Soon, he figured that he might want to try to find some clothes. He figured that whoever lived in this place might be making their way home, as it was getting pretty late - and he didn't want them to find him lounging on their sofa in his unmentionables.


There were many bedrooms throughout the house, but in one particular room, he found a dresser that had a few articles of men's clothing. 

He was pretty thankful for this...but then again, he hadn't put them on yet.

He wasn't REAL sure about what sort of "man" was wearing these clothes, but he WAS sure that he almost would have felt more masculine in the lace teddy and bunny slippers that he had found lying around upstairs.


No matter...by this point, he was pretty pooped...so he laid down on the bed to take a small nap. 

He was pretty sure that he would hear anyone as soon as they came into the house. Then he could demand them to take him to the next kingdom over. He was CERTAIN that they were reasonable individuals.

And, reasonable individuals they were! All seven of them.


After a long day's work at the...business...they were all ready to come home and relex.


Though, as soon as they entered the house, it was apparent that something was amiss.

"I would know that smell anywhere. There's been a man here,"  exclaimed Sleazie.

"Yeah, and that dirty, rotten so-and-so has been eating my ICE CREAM!!!" screamed Gaga.

Cloudie noticed that something was wrong as soon as she tried to use the toilet and got a wet butt. The toilet seat had been left up! Someone was going to pay for this!!

 Sunnie knew that she hadn't left her stereo on before she left that morning, but she wasn't bothered - her favorite song was on, so she just started dancing.

At the mere mention of someone unknown being in their midst, Blushful made a mad dash for her favorite hiding spot.

She was not a fan of strangers.

"ESPN??? Now I *know* something is up!" said Whiz. She was a smart cookie, under normal circumstances, but even Ditzie could have figured out that something was fishy.


Ditzie?


Where is that girl, anyways?

She was probably off staring at the walls, again.

A quick run through the house was all it took to find the silly girl.

"Shhhhh! You guys! He's sleeping!! And isn't he just the cutest thing you ever saw??!"

It's the dumb ones that you have to look out for, y'know.

At the sound of her voice, Storm jolted awake.

"Oh, great. Another one of  THOSE dreams."

It became apparent, very quickly, that this was NOT a dream. Pretty soon, he was surrounded by seven women, all of them talking at the same time.

He thought to scream for help. 


...but who would come? At this point, he wasn't certain that men existed in his kingdom at all, other than his stepfather...and he wasn't to be trusted. Women weren't to be trusted, either!

"Okay, okay...back off everyone. Gosh...you guys are so MEAN! Can't you see the poor thing is just scared. I  mean we DID just wake him up out of a sound sleep. It *was* sort of rude."

Everyone adored the poor, silly girl and decided not to point at that he was, in fact, an intruder that was sleeping in their bed, and leaving their toilet seats up. 

"I'm Ditzie, by the way. And I think you're the most handsome thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life."

There was something about this man that made them all feel sort of at ease, and one by one...they all started introducing themselves.


The main thing for Sleazie was that he was, in fact, a man.

Since I am trying to keep this family friendly, I won't tell you what she had to say...but it was naughty...trust me!


Some of the girls took this time to air their grievances with him.

Gaga was still not impressed that he had eaten her ice cream.

 

And Cloudie felt the need to explain the sensation of your butt hitting the water when you least expect it.

The others, though...were a little more welcoming.

Sunnie, being the most friendly one...just walked right up and squeezed him. She never met a stranger, of course.

However, someone has to be the sensible one, and that would be Whiz. (Also, the most beautiful one. *cough* :-D )

She introduced herself, but still wanted to know who he was, and what he was doing inside of their house.

But, before he would answer, he had a question of his own...

Didn't he count seven girls when he first woke up?

At the sight of him, poor Blushful had taken cover.

Storm couldn't stand the thought of her being afraid of him...so he went to her.

He managed to coax her out of her hidey hole and introduced himself.

He explained to her that she had nothing to fear about him - he was simply lost and had nowhere else to go.

This, of course, prompted all of the girls to start talking at once again - and they were ALL wanting an explanation.

Storm figured "what the heck?" He really needed to vent anyways, holding all of this animosity inside of him was causing heartburn. Or, it could have been the entire carton of chocolate ice cream. Who knows?

Either way...he dived into his story.

"You want to know my story? Well...here it is in a nutshell! My dad died during childbirth, so I never got to know him."

"My mom married a horrible troll and I got sent away to boarding school for 10 years, and was never allowed to come home."

"Then, when I finally get to come home, what do I find? My mom...dead as a hammer in the doorway."

 

"One minute - I was asleep on the castle lawn, and the next thing I know a dangblasted pixie stole my hat."

"So, I ran after her, and ended up the pixie forest. As it turns out, my stepfather was trying to get rid of me."

"Not only that...I was sexually assaulted while I was sleeping... and my clothes were stolen right off my body."

"So, you see...that's how I ended up here and in this mortifyingly feminine outfit."

"And, why the hell don't you people have anything to eat in this house but ice cream?"

At this point, the girls were pretty confused, and didn't know what to say. They were, however, able to deduce that this guy had definitely had a rough time of it, so they all seem to be in silent agreement that they should help him out.

"Well, dear, if you are going to be sticking around here any amount of time...we are going to HAVE to get you some clothes."

________***________*** ________***________

Life with the girls seemed to agree with Storm very much - he adjusted to everything very quickly. In fact, he grew to be quite fond of the ladies, and they definitely loved having him around.

Every morning, before they left for work, they lined up, and Storm kissed them all goodbye.

He hadn't a clue as to what they ACTUALLY did for work, but there was something of a "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" policy between them.

He spent most of the time that they were gone, doing various chores around the house. The girls never required anything of him, but it was just good manners - he WAS living off of them after all.

Besides, he had always been sort of a neat freak.

He loved it when the girls were at home, though. They spent time doing all sorts of things together.

He and Whiz spent countless hours playing chess. He wasn't very good at it - but she didn't mind helping him. (Even though, he suspected her of cheating sometimes. The "Look! Your hat!" trick was starting to get old.)

Then, there were times that he and Gaga would dance the night away.

He had learned very early on that he had to be careful when he was sleeping, though.

There were numerous times when he woke up with a smile on his face, and a certain girl in his bed...but was completely unable to remember much of  anything about what happened.

Oh well, at least what he COULD remember was good. 

He was able to find his niches with the other girls, as well.

Cloudie was usually fun to watch TV with, although you definitely didn't want to turn it on the news channel and get her started on politics.

After awhile, he even managed to bring Blushful out of her shell a little more. He was trying to teach her the ins and outs of football.

And, there was no one better to have a laugh with than Sunnie. She was always in a good mood...even when she was in a bad one.

However...there was one of the girls that always managed to command more of his time than the others.

He found out quickly that there was nothing that Ditzie loved more than a good ol' fashioned game of tag.

And, sometimes...

She would even let him catch her. (Those were the best times!)

Yes, life with the girls REALLY agreed with him. He had never really known much about a family, and he had never been around a lot of women, either...but he did figure that these women were the closest thing to a family that he would ever have.

And...you know what?

He didn't think that was so bad at all.

Click Here for Part 2...